im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
