My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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