Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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