Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
