hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
