Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
