she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
