I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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