I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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