I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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