Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
