ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
