I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
