I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
she told me i tasted like america
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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