I wish my penis had an off switch
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
