How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
