I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
