the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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