ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
