My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
