i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
