i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
