yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
