If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
