Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
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