I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
