An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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