ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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