Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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