My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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