So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
