from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Swine flu is the new snow day.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
