Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
