Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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