Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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