This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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