watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
