the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
