Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
