Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
