If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
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