You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
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