I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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