i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
