can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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