its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Randomize
