I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
