I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
