Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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