once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
