Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Dick very happy bro
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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