his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
